![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Fandom: Castle
Pairing: Esposito/Ryan
Rating: PG
Warnings: None.
Word count: c.3800
Disclaimer: Characters are not mine.
A/N: A sequel to my fic the lines are blurred (and the boundaries broken). The working title for this was "![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
black_sluggard is an enabler" and my thanks goes out to her for actually getting me started on this fic.
Also, everything I know about different American states and cities is limited to what I found on Wikipedia and a handy online map. Just putting that out there, in case there's any errors or inconsistencies.
***
When Javier finally finds Kevin, it’s in New York. Javier’s followed him to four different states, but it’s in New York that they meet again.
Three days into his administrative leave, Javier remembers that he’s left something he needs in his desk at the precinct and goes to pick it up, and that’s when he realizes that something is wrong. Kevin’s desk has been cleared and abandoned, left completely empty. His constant pile of paperwork is gone, his stupid pen cup that Javier bought him as a joke gift a year ago is gone, and even the coffee ring stains have been cleaned off the surface, leaving it shiny and bare. Javier hasn’t seen that desk like that in years, and he goes straight to Gates. She isn’t helpful. She doesn’t even look up from her desk when she tells Javier that Kevin said that he had a family emergency and handed in his resignation the day before.
“He wouldn’t do that, he would have told me.” Javier says immediately, forgetting whose office he’s in, and then he hesitates. Kevin wouldn’t do that, they’re not just partners, they’re best friends, and they have been for years now. But over the past week, with everything that’s happened, Javier’s been thinking that maybe Kevin’s not quite the person he thought he was, and that doubt has been showing.
Gates must be thinking the same thing, because she looks at him with one eyebrow raised and says, “As I understand it, you and Ryan had a falling out. He no longer works here, and his personal affairs are not my concern, but if I were to take a guess, I might say he wanted some space.”
Esposito fights the urge to explode at her, but he just nods stiffly, and leaves. But he knows she’s wrong, he knows that Kevin wouldn’t do this. He wouldn’t leave without telling someone, and a few quick phone calls to Castle and Beckett confirm that he hasn’t spoken to either of them. Something’s wrong, and when Javier lets himself into Kevin’s apartment, he knows for certain that something has happened.
He tears through the whole place, but it’s empty. All the furnishings that Kevin brought to his apartment when he moved in, his photos and kitchenware and clothes and everything is gone. All that’s left are the few pieces of furniture that the previous tenants had left in the apartment; a small dining table that Kevin rarely used, a few chairs, and an old desk.
It’s the desk that draws his eye. Everything else is tidy, perfectly neat, but there’s a drawer wide open, and when Javier looks closer, there’s a hidden panel inside. He wouldn’t have noticed it at all if it hadn’t been slightly ajar, and when he slides it completely open, it reveals a secret compartment. It’s empty, but it’s there, and that tells Javier enough.
Everything that ever said Kevin to Javier in this apartment is gone. That roadkill couch that he loved so much, the books that were always stacked on whatever free surface that he could find. Javier’s not sure he’d ever actually seen Kevin use that desk, it was tucked in a corner and usually piled with junk, and if Kevin had found some kind of secret compartment in there, Javier knows exactly what he would have done. He would have called Javier and made him come over and look at it right away, all excited and grinning like a fool, that smile that always makes Javier want to kiss him.
There’s nothing left of Kevin here. There’s something of someone else, and Javier knows nothing about that person, but he has to find them. He has to find Kevin, or that person whose name he doesn’t know; he has to find something. Anything. Javier slides the compartment closed and shuts the drawer, locks the door of the apartment again on his way out, and drives to JFK.
Javier flies to Atlanta, because Kevin had said that that’s where his family lives. But Kevin’s never talked about his family much -- he mentions his sisters, but never any details, and he knows even less about his parents. It’s a long shot, because Javier has nothing to go on except Kevin’s name, and true enough, he can’t dig up any information about the Ryan family at all. He doesn’t know who they are or what happened to them, but they’re invisible -- and so is Kevin, now. But even though he can’t find anyone, he knows he’s come to the right place when he’s sitting inside the first bar he could find, because someone finds him.
He hasn’t seen Jenny O’Malley in a long, long time. She left their lives and Javier was perfectly fine with never seeing her again, but here she is.
It’s been a few years, and she still looks much the same. Her hairstyle is a little different, but she’s still pretty and perfect. And yet, Javier can’t help but think that there’s something off about her. It’s nothing he can define clearly, but it’s in her stance, straighter and stiffer than Javier remembers; in her eyes, the way she looks at him like she’s assessing him. Her heels click on the floorboards as she approaches him.
“Hello, Javier.”
“Jenny,” he says coolly, nods in acknowledgement.
Her head tilts the tiniest bit as she studies him. “So you did come here. He said you would.”
“Where is he?”
She shakes her head. “I’m sorry. I can’t tell you.”
Javier stands up, and she moves to block his path. “You tell me where he is, or you get out of my way.”
“Javier, please sit down.” It’s unnerving how easily she can stare him down, tiny as she is, but she just pins him down with her eyes, and he does as she says. Jenny perches on the stool next to him. “You can’t find him right now. But you will. You just have to be patient.”
He stares at her. “What the hell are you doing here?”
“I’m here as a favour to him. He said you’d come to Atlanta, and he asked me to meet you because he can’t.”
“What’s stopping him?”
“That’s not for me to say.” She pulls a piece of paper from her purse and hands it to him. For a moment Javier stupidly thinks that it’s some kind of awkward delivered-by-the-ex breakup letter, but it’s way too small for that, and when he unfolds it, there’s only a few words in Kevin’s familiar scrawl.
Javier resists the urge to crush the slip of paper in his fist, because he needs something more than a vague location delivered by a woman he’d thought was out of their lives for good. He needs an explanation of some sort. He needs to see Kevin with his own two eyes, just to make sure he hasn’t disappeared. “I don’t even know what this means. What any of this means.”
“I know. But you need to understand something. He wants more than anything to be able to explain this to you right now, but he can’t. He’s just trying to keep you safe, Javier. Don’t go looking for him. He’ll find you when he can.”
He wishes so much that he could say that he won’t. That he’ll fly back to New York and forget about what’s happened for a while, just sit and wait for Kevin to come home. But despite everything, even though he’s furious at Kevin or selling him and Beckett out to Gates, for leaving without a word, he can’t just wait for the answers he needs.
Jenny gives him a tiny smile when he remains silent. “You can follow him, but you won’t find him until he’s ready.”
“Then why’d he give me this?” Javier waves the piece of paper around.
“He knew you’d look for him no matter what I said,” Jenny says softly, and then she’s gone.
Javier is a good detective. He’s bright enough to notice the way that Jenny is subtly different, hardly even noticeable, but different enough for Javier to understand that Jenny O’Malley is not the woman that she’d led him to believe. He hasn’t missed the way that she never said Kevin’s name, not once. The severely lacking records of his family, and even Kevin himself, as well as his sudden disappearance, should speak for itself, but he’s still missing something. He has the pieces, but he can’t put them together without Kevin.
From Georgia he goes north, because the note says, I haven’t won the lottery yet. And to anyone else, that would mean nothing. Perhaps Castle and Beckett might recognize the reference, but only Javier knows what it means. A little winery in southwest Michigan, where Javier and Kevin had talked about going because Javier’s sister had recommended it, and Kevin likes his wine sweet and dry. He can’t buy a winery, but they can afford to go away for a weekend wine-tasting trip. He leaves with a bottle of wine and another note, but with no answers and not even a glimpse of the man he’s looking for.
He’s had missed calls from both Beckett and Castle that he’s ignored for the past few days, but when he’s sitting on a park bench in Philadelphia, he answers the phone when it rings.
“Javier!” Beckett sounds relieved, and he can hear Castle in the background, saying, “Is he okay? Where is he?”
“Hey.”
“Where have you been? We’ve been trying to get a hold of you for days—”
“I know, sorry. I’ve been...I’m in Philly.”
“What? Why?” That’s Castle.
“I’m looking for Ryan.”
There’s a pause, and then Beckett speaks again. “We haven’t heard from him either. His number’s out of service. Javi, what’s going on?”
“I don’t even know. Look, I’ve gotta go. I’ll call you when I’ve got something, Kate.” He feels guilty for hanging up on Beckett before he’s even heard her reply, especially since she’s clearly worried about him, but he can’t give her any answers either. Not when he’s not even sure of anything, right now.
The last place Javier follows Kevin to is West Virginia. Just like Jenny said, he hasn’t found him yet, and he wouldn’t believe that Kevin was there at all if it weren’t for the things he’s been leaving Javier. Little things, things that don’t look like much, but that Javier knows means something only to them.
Then he’s back in New York, in a coffee shop that he and Kevin stopped at once when their regular one was closed, and that’s when he sees him. A glimpse of pale skin and the bluest eyes Javier’s ever known, eyes that he hasn’t seen for so long, but ones he’ll never forget. Javier leaves his coffee still in the barista’s hand, pushes his way outside, and catches the sleeve of the leather jacket that Kevin’s wearing disappearing around the corner.
Javier runs, his heart pounding and adrenaline rushing through him, because he knows what this is. He knows it’s not another wild goose chase, not another time where he’ll find an empty apartment with a clue that only serves to confuse him, something that’s half Kevin and half not. Some random trinket that means something but nothing, some sign of their relationship, the relationship that Kevin’s run away from.
He rounds a corner, and Kevin’s just standing there, and Javier punches him in the face.
Kevin staggers back, one hand flying to his bruised jaw and the other reaching out so he can lean against the brick wall for support. He smiles a little, and Javier resists the urge to punch him again. “You came after me.”
“Because I wanted to hit you.”
The smile stays, and Kevin shakes his head a little. “We can’t talk here. Just...come with me, and I’ll explain.”
Javier thinks about walking away, but he knows that was never an option. He won’t leave without answers, he needs to know—he won’t let this happen a second time. Once was bad enough, losing a partner, thinking that he was dead. And then finding out that he’d been lying, hiding, for years. Doubting him.
That first time was bad enough, and this time is even worse. Ike was Javier’s partner, his friend, his brother, but Kevin is all that and more. He was something that Javier had never had before, and something that he never wanted to let go.
They end up in room at some motel Javier doesn’t recognize, and the first thing that Kevin says is, “I didn’t want to leave.”
“But you did anyway.”
“I had to. I had to keep you safe.” There’s something off about Kevin too, just like Javier had noticed about Jenny. The way he’s standing so stiffly, his arms straight down at his sides, instead of swinging loose like they usually are. But the beseeching look in his eyes is familiar, the way he looks so earnest. “I’m sorry, Javi.”
It starts to rain, and they both glance out the window. It gets heavy fast, and Kevin smiles.
Javier cocks his head. “You’ve always liked the rain.”
“It reminds me of you.”
“You’ve almost died in the rain four times.”
“I know. You were always coming for me, though.” Kevin keeps smiling. “You remember.”
“That’s not exactly something I’m going to forget,” Javier snaps, and the smile fades. “You...you left. What were you going to do? Just disappear? Run away?”
“No!” Kevin reaches for Javier’s hand, and when it’s snatched away, he flinches. “Listen, I wouldn’t do that to you. Javi, you don’t...you have no idea...”
“Then tell me.”
Kevin just stares at him for a minute, and Javier realizes that he knows that look. It’s not one that he sees all that often, but he knows it.
“What are you so afraid of?”
He looks more haunted and hollow than Javier has ever seen him before, and when Kevin finally opens his mouth and tells him everything, Javier realizes that that’s because Kevin isn’t real. Kevin - no, Dever, that’s what he said he was called, but Javier really doesn’t even know anymore - tells him everything, and Javier listens, but he doesn’t know if he can take it all in. Dever doesn’t give any details about his past before the organization, that nameless organization that Dever seems to fear so much. He sits through Dever explaining it all to him, taking it all in silently, and wondering why it had to end like this. In a seedy motel with a stranger, this is where the best seven years of Javier’s life is ending, and there’s only a few more unanswered questions to go before it really is over.
“Why’d you leave?”
“I told you,” Dever says, and he looks completely defeated. “They called me back. The job was over. I had to go.”
“But you could have stayed. So why’d you leave?” Javier purposely leaves his face blank, his breathing even, his voice uninflected.
Dever stares at him, and says, “Because if I’d stayed back then, I would never have been able to stay, and I needed to be able to come back. For you.”
“They would have killed you.” Javier’s seen his fair share of hitmen, of mobs and blackmailers and deals that people make in order to become someone else, but nothing like this. Nothing so unreachable - because all those other things, they might be almost untouchable, but at least there’s some awareness of them. But this, even Dever doesn’t exactly know what it is, and hasn’t got a clue who’s behind it all, and that makes it all the more dangerous.
“They would have made me disappear forever, and I couldn’t let that happen.”
“So you’ve just been working these past few weeks?”
“Yes. Only small jobs, simple surveillance, that’s why I didn’t stay in one place too long. That helped, with the things I was leaving for you. Made it easier for it to go unnoticed. Scout helped.”
Javier nods. Dever had explained about that too, and somehow it’s comforting to know that Jenny O’Malley was a lie, even if that’s what the past seven years have all been too.
The whole thing seems almost unbelievable, and Javier has been taking everything in almost robotically, but it’s really sinking in now, and Dever can see it in his eyes -- he can see that Javier is about to walk away, to leave the nightmare behind him, and he can’t let him go.
Dever is breaking, cracking, and Kevin is leaking through the cracks, because seven years as Kevin Ryan, and they’re not separate identities anymore. They’ve melded together and it’s too late to break them apart again. He could have stopped it. When he first realized that this was too big for him to handle, when he understood what being compromised really meant, he could have gotten out. It would have been easy enough to send another agent in, or find another means of surveillance, and for the time being, it wasn’t a priority job.
But Kevin was just so perfect for it, and Dever didn’t want to go. He could never allow himself to admit it before, but he did it on purpose. He let it go so far that he lost grip on what he was really there for, and let Kevin Ryan get so deep that Dever was dragged along with him.
He doesn’t regret any of it.
“I didn’t think it would turn out like this,” Dever says, and Javier glares at him.
“What did you think was gonna happen, then? What did you have planned?”
“Nothing. I don’t know.”
“You lied to me for seven years. I don’t even know who you are.”
“Javi, I’m just...me.” The desperation is starting to take over, because if Javier leaves now, Dever has nothing. “It wasn’t supposed to be like this, okay? I was meant to stay here and just watch and pretend, and it would have been fine, but I met you.”
Javier’s expression is blank, and Dever recognizes it as the look that he gets when he’s not sure what to make of something but he’s refusing to admit it, and Dever wants to scream in frustration.
“You, Javier. I let myself forget, sometimes. What I was there for. I didn’t want to think about it, I just wanted to live it.”
“Beckett and Castle are worried about you too. What about them, was that all a lie too?”
“You aren’t listening to me! I was given this job because I was good – it was always going to be long-term, but they knew that I could handle it. And I would, except I met you, and that’s when everything...Kevin Ryan was always meant to be friends with you, and it wasn’t even such a problem when he fell in love with you, except that I did too.”
“I don’t know who you are,” Javier repeats, but he’s not cold and remote anymore; he’s shaky, he’s uncertain, and that blank wall is gone. Dever can see everything on his face – hurt, confusion, and maybe a tiny bit of hope.
“Neither do I,” Dever confesses. “At first, Kevin wasn’t...he was just a means to an end, something I created for this job. And when you work like this, you lose a lot of yourself, but when I met you, I put everything I still had into Kevin, and I made him real. So it was all real, Javi. I lied to you, every day, just by being there, but it was still real.”
Javier doesn’t know what he’s supposed to do with all of this. It’s too much, all at once, and it’s crashing over his head like a wave and he can barely surface, but there is one thing he does know.
He loves Kevin, or Dever, or whatever he’s supposed to call him – he loves the person he’s spent the last seven years beside, because even if he doesn’t know his name, he just knows him. That hopeful, earnest look on his face that’s so sincere it hurts, and the intensity flaring in his eyes. Every time Javier thinks of the future, Kevin is there, a permanent fixture in his life, and one he can’t imagine living without.
“It was real,” Dever says again. “I love you, and I love Beckett and Castle, you’re all I really have, and—” He stops short, his voice breaking on the last word, “And I can’t go back. It isn’t safe, and they’re already in enough danger as it is. Beckett won’t stop, not now. Now she has to find out what happened to her mother. But I can’t go back and help.” He shuts his eyes. “I can’t—”
“I love you too,” Javier says, abruptly, and Dever’s eyes fly open, wide and full of shock and hope and happiness, until they cloud over again, when indecision starts warring within him.
“I won’t ask you to come with me. It isn’t safe.” It’s true, but Dever desperately wants to ask anyway, to beg Javier not to leave him, not to leave him lost and wandering alone, but it turns out that it doesn’t matter, because Javier is shaking his head.
“I’m going with you,” Javier says firmly.
“We can’t stay here,” Dever says. “We’ll have to move around. A lot. But I think...I don’t know any more about Beckett’s mother’s case than you do, but I might know some people that can help.”
“How?”
Dever smiles faintly. “The organization that I work for, they’ve picked up a few enemies along the way. Powerful ones, and I think I can, ah, call in a few favours. And if I have you—” he says this last part tentatively, like he still can’t believe it, “—I can’t give up on Beckett and Castle either. And they’ll need the help.”
There are still so many questions, so many things to be explained. Things Javier has to know about the past and concerns about the future, but they have time. And, like so much about their lives, how much time is still unknown to them, but right now, none of it seems to matter.
This is how seven years will end, and how the time in front of them will begin: with questions and uncertainties, with confusion and doubts, twisted reflections and tangled truths. But, despite all of this, it also ends and begins with love and life and everything that makes them work, everything that makes Kevin Ryan and Javier Esposito work.
Pairing: Esposito/Ryan
Rating: PG
Warnings: None.
Word count: c.3800
Disclaimer: Characters are not mine.
A/N: A sequel to my fic the lines are blurred (and the boundaries broken). The working title for this was "
black_sluggard is an enabler" and my thanks goes out to her for actually getting me started on this fic.Also, everything I know about different American states and cities is limited to what I found on Wikipedia and a handy online map. Just putting that out there, in case there's any errors or inconsistencies.
***
When Javier finally finds Kevin, it’s in New York. Javier’s followed him to four different states, but it’s in New York that they meet again.
Three days into his administrative leave, Javier remembers that he’s left something he needs in his desk at the precinct and goes to pick it up, and that’s when he realizes that something is wrong. Kevin’s desk has been cleared and abandoned, left completely empty. His constant pile of paperwork is gone, his stupid pen cup that Javier bought him as a joke gift a year ago is gone, and even the coffee ring stains have been cleaned off the surface, leaving it shiny and bare. Javier hasn’t seen that desk like that in years, and he goes straight to Gates. She isn’t helpful. She doesn’t even look up from her desk when she tells Javier that Kevin said that he had a family emergency and handed in his resignation the day before.
“He wouldn’t do that, he would have told me.” Javier says immediately, forgetting whose office he’s in, and then he hesitates. Kevin wouldn’t do that, they’re not just partners, they’re best friends, and they have been for years now. But over the past week, with everything that’s happened, Javier’s been thinking that maybe Kevin’s not quite the person he thought he was, and that doubt has been showing.
Gates must be thinking the same thing, because she looks at him with one eyebrow raised and says, “As I understand it, you and Ryan had a falling out. He no longer works here, and his personal affairs are not my concern, but if I were to take a guess, I might say he wanted some space.”
Esposito fights the urge to explode at her, but he just nods stiffly, and leaves. But he knows she’s wrong, he knows that Kevin wouldn’t do this. He wouldn’t leave without telling someone, and a few quick phone calls to Castle and Beckett confirm that he hasn’t spoken to either of them. Something’s wrong, and when Javier lets himself into Kevin’s apartment, he knows for certain that something has happened.
He tears through the whole place, but it’s empty. All the furnishings that Kevin brought to his apartment when he moved in, his photos and kitchenware and clothes and everything is gone. All that’s left are the few pieces of furniture that the previous tenants had left in the apartment; a small dining table that Kevin rarely used, a few chairs, and an old desk.
It’s the desk that draws his eye. Everything else is tidy, perfectly neat, but there’s a drawer wide open, and when Javier looks closer, there’s a hidden panel inside. He wouldn’t have noticed it at all if it hadn’t been slightly ajar, and when he slides it completely open, it reveals a secret compartment. It’s empty, but it’s there, and that tells Javier enough.
Everything that ever said Kevin to Javier in this apartment is gone. That roadkill couch that he loved so much, the books that were always stacked on whatever free surface that he could find. Javier’s not sure he’d ever actually seen Kevin use that desk, it was tucked in a corner and usually piled with junk, and if Kevin had found some kind of secret compartment in there, Javier knows exactly what he would have done. He would have called Javier and made him come over and look at it right away, all excited and grinning like a fool, that smile that always makes Javier want to kiss him.
There’s nothing left of Kevin here. There’s something of someone else, and Javier knows nothing about that person, but he has to find them. He has to find Kevin, or that person whose name he doesn’t know; he has to find something. Anything. Javier slides the compartment closed and shuts the drawer, locks the door of the apartment again on his way out, and drives to JFK.
Javier flies to Atlanta, because Kevin had said that that’s where his family lives. But Kevin’s never talked about his family much -- he mentions his sisters, but never any details, and he knows even less about his parents. It’s a long shot, because Javier has nothing to go on except Kevin’s name, and true enough, he can’t dig up any information about the Ryan family at all. He doesn’t know who they are or what happened to them, but they’re invisible -- and so is Kevin, now. But even though he can’t find anyone, he knows he’s come to the right place when he’s sitting inside the first bar he could find, because someone finds him.
He hasn’t seen Jenny O’Malley in a long, long time. She left their lives and Javier was perfectly fine with never seeing her again, but here she is.
It’s been a few years, and she still looks much the same. Her hairstyle is a little different, but she’s still pretty and perfect. And yet, Javier can’t help but think that there’s something off about her. It’s nothing he can define clearly, but it’s in her stance, straighter and stiffer than Javier remembers; in her eyes, the way she looks at him like she’s assessing him. Her heels click on the floorboards as she approaches him.
“Hello, Javier.”
“Jenny,” he says coolly, nods in acknowledgement.
Her head tilts the tiniest bit as she studies him. “So you did come here. He said you would.”
“Where is he?”
She shakes her head. “I’m sorry. I can’t tell you.”
Javier stands up, and she moves to block his path. “You tell me where he is, or you get out of my way.”
“Javier, please sit down.” It’s unnerving how easily she can stare him down, tiny as she is, but she just pins him down with her eyes, and he does as she says. Jenny perches on the stool next to him. “You can’t find him right now. But you will. You just have to be patient.”
He stares at her. “What the hell are you doing here?”
“I’m here as a favour to him. He said you’d come to Atlanta, and he asked me to meet you because he can’t.”
“What’s stopping him?”
“That’s not for me to say.” She pulls a piece of paper from her purse and hands it to him. For a moment Javier stupidly thinks that it’s some kind of awkward delivered-by-the-ex breakup letter, but it’s way too small for that, and when he unfolds it, there’s only a few words in Kevin’s familiar scrawl.
Javier resists the urge to crush the slip of paper in his fist, because he needs something more than a vague location delivered by a woman he’d thought was out of their lives for good. He needs an explanation of some sort. He needs to see Kevin with his own two eyes, just to make sure he hasn’t disappeared. “I don’t even know what this means. What any of this means.”
“I know. But you need to understand something. He wants more than anything to be able to explain this to you right now, but he can’t. He’s just trying to keep you safe, Javier. Don’t go looking for him. He’ll find you when he can.”
He wishes so much that he could say that he won’t. That he’ll fly back to New York and forget about what’s happened for a while, just sit and wait for Kevin to come home. But despite everything, even though he’s furious at Kevin or selling him and Beckett out to Gates, for leaving without a word, he can’t just wait for the answers he needs.
Jenny gives him a tiny smile when he remains silent. “You can follow him, but you won’t find him until he’s ready.”
“Then why’d he give me this?” Javier waves the piece of paper around.
“He knew you’d look for him no matter what I said,” Jenny says softly, and then she’s gone.
Javier is a good detective. He’s bright enough to notice the way that Jenny is subtly different, hardly even noticeable, but different enough for Javier to understand that Jenny O’Malley is not the woman that she’d led him to believe. He hasn’t missed the way that she never said Kevin’s name, not once. The severely lacking records of his family, and even Kevin himself, as well as his sudden disappearance, should speak for itself, but he’s still missing something. He has the pieces, but he can’t put them together without Kevin.
From Georgia he goes north, because the note says, I haven’t won the lottery yet. And to anyone else, that would mean nothing. Perhaps Castle and Beckett might recognize the reference, but only Javier knows what it means. A little winery in southwest Michigan, where Javier and Kevin had talked about going because Javier’s sister had recommended it, and Kevin likes his wine sweet and dry. He can’t buy a winery, but they can afford to go away for a weekend wine-tasting trip. He leaves with a bottle of wine and another note, but with no answers and not even a glimpse of the man he’s looking for.
He’s had missed calls from both Beckett and Castle that he’s ignored for the past few days, but when he’s sitting on a park bench in Philadelphia, he answers the phone when it rings.
“Javier!” Beckett sounds relieved, and he can hear Castle in the background, saying, “Is he okay? Where is he?”
“Hey.”
“Where have you been? We’ve been trying to get a hold of you for days—”
“I know, sorry. I’ve been...I’m in Philly.”
“What? Why?” That’s Castle.
“I’m looking for Ryan.”
There’s a pause, and then Beckett speaks again. “We haven’t heard from him either. His number’s out of service. Javi, what’s going on?”
“I don’t even know. Look, I’ve gotta go. I’ll call you when I’ve got something, Kate.” He feels guilty for hanging up on Beckett before he’s even heard her reply, especially since she’s clearly worried about him, but he can’t give her any answers either. Not when he’s not even sure of anything, right now.
The last place Javier follows Kevin to is West Virginia. Just like Jenny said, he hasn’t found him yet, and he wouldn’t believe that Kevin was there at all if it weren’t for the things he’s been leaving Javier. Little things, things that don’t look like much, but that Javier knows means something only to them.
Then he’s back in New York, in a coffee shop that he and Kevin stopped at once when their regular one was closed, and that’s when he sees him. A glimpse of pale skin and the bluest eyes Javier’s ever known, eyes that he hasn’t seen for so long, but ones he’ll never forget. Javier leaves his coffee still in the barista’s hand, pushes his way outside, and catches the sleeve of the leather jacket that Kevin’s wearing disappearing around the corner.
Javier runs, his heart pounding and adrenaline rushing through him, because he knows what this is. He knows it’s not another wild goose chase, not another time where he’ll find an empty apartment with a clue that only serves to confuse him, something that’s half Kevin and half not. Some random trinket that means something but nothing, some sign of their relationship, the relationship that Kevin’s run away from.
He rounds a corner, and Kevin’s just standing there, and Javier punches him in the face.
Kevin staggers back, one hand flying to his bruised jaw and the other reaching out so he can lean against the brick wall for support. He smiles a little, and Javier resists the urge to punch him again. “You came after me.”
“Because I wanted to hit you.”
The smile stays, and Kevin shakes his head a little. “We can’t talk here. Just...come with me, and I’ll explain.”
Javier thinks about walking away, but he knows that was never an option. He won’t leave without answers, he needs to know—he won’t let this happen a second time. Once was bad enough, losing a partner, thinking that he was dead. And then finding out that he’d been lying, hiding, for years. Doubting him.
That first time was bad enough, and this time is even worse. Ike was Javier’s partner, his friend, his brother, but Kevin is all that and more. He was something that Javier had never had before, and something that he never wanted to let go.
They end up in room at some motel Javier doesn’t recognize, and the first thing that Kevin says is, “I didn’t want to leave.”
“But you did anyway.”
“I had to. I had to keep you safe.” There’s something off about Kevin too, just like Javier had noticed about Jenny. The way he’s standing so stiffly, his arms straight down at his sides, instead of swinging loose like they usually are. But the beseeching look in his eyes is familiar, the way he looks so earnest. “I’m sorry, Javi.”
It starts to rain, and they both glance out the window. It gets heavy fast, and Kevin smiles.
Javier cocks his head. “You’ve always liked the rain.”
“It reminds me of you.”
“You’ve almost died in the rain four times.”
“I know. You were always coming for me, though.” Kevin keeps smiling. “You remember.”
“That’s not exactly something I’m going to forget,” Javier snaps, and the smile fades. “You...you left. What were you going to do? Just disappear? Run away?”
“No!” Kevin reaches for Javier’s hand, and when it’s snatched away, he flinches. “Listen, I wouldn’t do that to you. Javi, you don’t...you have no idea...”
“Then tell me.”
Kevin just stares at him for a minute, and Javier realizes that he knows that look. It’s not one that he sees all that often, but he knows it.
“What are you so afraid of?”
He looks more haunted and hollow than Javier has ever seen him before, and when Kevin finally opens his mouth and tells him everything, Javier realizes that that’s because Kevin isn’t real. Kevin - no, Dever, that’s what he said he was called, but Javier really doesn’t even know anymore - tells him everything, and Javier listens, but he doesn’t know if he can take it all in. Dever doesn’t give any details about his past before the organization, that nameless organization that Dever seems to fear so much. He sits through Dever explaining it all to him, taking it all in silently, and wondering why it had to end like this. In a seedy motel with a stranger, this is where the best seven years of Javier’s life is ending, and there’s only a few more unanswered questions to go before it really is over.
“Why’d you leave?”
“I told you,” Dever says, and he looks completely defeated. “They called me back. The job was over. I had to go.”
“But you could have stayed. So why’d you leave?” Javier purposely leaves his face blank, his breathing even, his voice uninflected.
Dever stares at him, and says, “Because if I’d stayed back then, I would never have been able to stay, and I needed to be able to come back. For you.”
“They would have killed you.” Javier’s seen his fair share of hitmen, of mobs and blackmailers and deals that people make in order to become someone else, but nothing like this. Nothing so unreachable - because all those other things, they might be almost untouchable, but at least there’s some awareness of them. But this, even Dever doesn’t exactly know what it is, and hasn’t got a clue who’s behind it all, and that makes it all the more dangerous.
“They would have made me disappear forever, and I couldn’t let that happen.”
“So you’ve just been working these past few weeks?”
“Yes. Only small jobs, simple surveillance, that’s why I didn’t stay in one place too long. That helped, with the things I was leaving for you. Made it easier for it to go unnoticed. Scout helped.”
Javier nods. Dever had explained about that too, and somehow it’s comforting to know that Jenny O’Malley was a lie, even if that’s what the past seven years have all been too.
The whole thing seems almost unbelievable, and Javier has been taking everything in almost robotically, but it’s really sinking in now, and Dever can see it in his eyes -- he can see that Javier is about to walk away, to leave the nightmare behind him, and he can’t let him go.
Dever is breaking, cracking, and Kevin is leaking through the cracks, because seven years as Kevin Ryan, and they’re not separate identities anymore. They’ve melded together and it’s too late to break them apart again. He could have stopped it. When he first realized that this was too big for him to handle, when he understood what being compromised really meant, he could have gotten out. It would have been easy enough to send another agent in, or find another means of surveillance, and for the time being, it wasn’t a priority job.
But Kevin was just so perfect for it, and Dever didn’t want to go. He could never allow himself to admit it before, but he did it on purpose. He let it go so far that he lost grip on what he was really there for, and let Kevin Ryan get so deep that Dever was dragged along with him.
He doesn’t regret any of it.
“I didn’t think it would turn out like this,” Dever says, and Javier glares at him.
“What did you think was gonna happen, then? What did you have planned?”
“Nothing. I don’t know.”
“You lied to me for seven years. I don’t even know who you are.”
“Javi, I’m just...me.” The desperation is starting to take over, because if Javier leaves now, Dever has nothing. “It wasn’t supposed to be like this, okay? I was meant to stay here and just watch and pretend, and it would have been fine, but I met you.”
Javier’s expression is blank, and Dever recognizes it as the look that he gets when he’s not sure what to make of something but he’s refusing to admit it, and Dever wants to scream in frustration.
“You, Javier. I let myself forget, sometimes. What I was there for. I didn’t want to think about it, I just wanted to live it.”
“Beckett and Castle are worried about you too. What about them, was that all a lie too?”
“You aren’t listening to me! I was given this job because I was good – it was always going to be long-term, but they knew that I could handle it. And I would, except I met you, and that’s when everything...Kevin Ryan was always meant to be friends with you, and it wasn’t even such a problem when he fell in love with you, except that I did too.”
“I don’t know who you are,” Javier repeats, but he’s not cold and remote anymore; he’s shaky, he’s uncertain, and that blank wall is gone. Dever can see everything on his face – hurt, confusion, and maybe a tiny bit of hope.
“Neither do I,” Dever confesses. “At first, Kevin wasn’t...he was just a means to an end, something I created for this job. And when you work like this, you lose a lot of yourself, but when I met you, I put everything I still had into Kevin, and I made him real. So it was all real, Javi. I lied to you, every day, just by being there, but it was still real.”
Javier doesn’t know what he’s supposed to do with all of this. It’s too much, all at once, and it’s crashing over his head like a wave and he can barely surface, but there is one thing he does know.
He loves Kevin, or Dever, or whatever he’s supposed to call him – he loves the person he’s spent the last seven years beside, because even if he doesn’t know his name, he just knows him. That hopeful, earnest look on his face that’s so sincere it hurts, and the intensity flaring in his eyes. Every time Javier thinks of the future, Kevin is there, a permanent fixture in his life, and one he can’t imagine living without.
“It was real,” Dever says again. “I love you, and I love Beckett and Castle, you’re all I really have, and—” He stops short, his voice breaking on the last word, “And I can’t go back. It isn’t safe, and they’re already in enough danger as it is. Beckett won’t stop, not now. Now she has to find out what happened to her mother. But I can’t go back and help.” He shuts his eyes. “I can’t—”
“I love you too,” Javier says, abruptly, and Dever’s eyes fly open, wide and full of shock and hope and happiness, until they cloud over again, when indecision starts warring within him.
“I won’t ask you to come with me. It isn’t safe.” It’s true, but Dever desperately wants to ask anyway, to beg Javier not to leave him, not to leave him lost and wandering alone, but it turns out that it doesn’t matter, because Javier is shaking his head.
“I’m going with you,” Javier says firmly.
“We can’t stay here,” Dever says. “We’ll have to move around. A lot. But I think...I don’t know any more about Beckett’s mother’s case than you do, but I might know some people that can help.”
“How?”
Dever smiles faintly. “The organization that I work for, they’ve picked up a few enemies along the way. Powerful ones, and I think I can, ah, call in a few favours. And if I have you—” he says this last part tentatively, like he still can’t believe it, “—I can’t give up on Beckett and Castle either. And they’ll need the help.”
There are still so many questions, so many things to be explained. Things Javier has to know about the past and concerns about the future, but they have time. And, like so much about their lives, how much time is still unknown to them, but right now, none of it seems to matter.
This is how seven years will end, and how the time in front of them will begin: with questions and uncertainties, with confusion and doubts, twisted reflections and tangled truths. But, despite all of this, it also ends and begins with love and life and everything that makes them work, everything that makes Kevin Ryan and Javier Esposito work.
