jayeinacross

Fandom: Castle

Rating: PG-13

Warnings: Major character death.

Word count: c.1400

Disclaimer: Characters are not mine.

A/N: For my angst bingo prompt 'the first time.' Title comes from Everything's an Illusion by Mayday Parade.

***

The first thing that Kevin says after he’s rolled over caught his breath is, “So are you gonna start betting on this first now?”

Javier chuckles, pulls him close, and replies, “I think I might.”

“Me too,” Kevin murmurs, and kisses him.

Javier turns out to be a lot of Kevin’s firsts.

The first time Kevin’s been involved with someone he works with -- and he thought it might be difficult at first, but it means work doesn’t get in the way of spending time with his partner, because they’re together all the time anyway.

When they’re called to a crime scene the next morning, Lanie takes one look at them and says, “Took you long enough. Now if Beckett and Castle can get their acts together, maybe I won’t have to deal with all the unresolved sexual tension at work anymore.”

After that, Kevin and Javier agree that it’d be pointless to keep it a secret.

Their point is proven when Beckett and Castle show up. Beckett can’t hide a smile before turning to ask Lanie about the victim, and Castle winks and gives them a thumbs up.

Javier’s the first person that Kevin’s found it so easy to move from being just friends to being in a relationship with. Unlike a few people that this has happened with before, when Kevin got along better with them before they were dating, it’s such a natural progression for Kevin and Javier, and they’ve been on the path to this for a while now.

The jokes and the teasing from Beckett and Castle aren’t at all cutting or even that embarrassing, because this is what they’ve always done. It’s almost the same, just with more hickey jokes.

(Because Javi really likes seeing those marks on Kevin’s pale neck, and he doesn’t really give a damn that everyone else can see them.)

Javier’s the first person that Kevin can see himself spending the rest of his life with. They fight over how long Javier spends in the bathroom, and how Kevin never remembers to get the mail; they fight about whose furniture to keep and whose to throw away; but and the bad arguments are when something happens in the field, when one of them took a stupid risk, but...

They’re partners. And they always have each other’s backs, and the worst fights come out of their concern for one another.

Nobody can make Kevin laugh like Javier does, make him smile when they’re in the middle of a tough case, make him remember that it’s worth it, no matter how bad it gets.

Javier is Kevin’s first heartbreak.

The guy is surrounded by cops, but he’s high on God knows how many drugs and desperation must have perfected his aim, because the one shot he does get off hits Javier right between the eyes, and Javi’s dead before he hits the ground.

Immediately, there are more shots ringing out, and the guy has a dozen bullet holes in him before he can blink.

Kevin has his gun in his hands, but he hasn’t fired. He just stands there, his gun still trained on the spot above where the guy had just collapsed. As the others crowd around where Javier is dead on the ground next to him, Kevin can’t bring himself to look at his partner.

He can’t face the unthinkable.

Then Castle’s there, tugging him gently away from Javi’s body, and he’s saying something, but Kevin doesn’t hear anything past “Ryan” and he thinks he might hear sirens in the distance, but he’s not sure what the point of an ambulance is.

There are two too many dead bodies in this alleyway, and there’s nothing anyone can do about that.

He’s not taken back to the precinct, or the morgue, or back to his and Javi’s place. Instead, Castle brings him back to his own apartment. Kevin vaguely recalls seeing Martha and Alexis, watching them with curious, concerned eyes, but keeping silent; being led upstairs to the spare room; told that he should stay here for a few days, and that if he needed anything, just to ask.

Kevin’s not sure how much time passes before he hears a soft tapping on the door, and says to whoever’s knocking to come in.

It’s Alexis, and she’s brought him a PB&J sandwich on a plate. “I thought you might be hungry,” she says, setting the food down on the desk. Kevin’s sitting at the window seat, and he remembers belatedly to thank her.

Her eyes are a little red. “I’m really sorry about Detective Esposito,” she says softly, and leaves, shutting the door quietly behind her.

Alexis has always called them Detective Ryan and Detective Esposito, despite their insistence that she can call them Kevin and Javier. She’s a sweet girl, a smart girl, and Castle’s lucky to have her.

Kevin remembers thinking once that one day, maybe he and Javi would have a little girl of their own to be lucky to have too.

And a house with a window seat and a nice view where they’d sit and read fairytales to their daughter, tell her stories about how brave her daddies and their Aunty Kate and Uncle Rick were and--

He’s always been aware that something like this could happen; the danger comes with the job, but--

Kevin just didn’t expect for it to happen now.

They were--

They were so happy.

He’s glad for Kate right next to him, for seeing Castle there in the front row, as he and the other officers carry Javi’s coffin down the aisle. Now that Javi’s gone, he doesn’t have a lot left, and he needs his friends here with him for this.

Still, even with Kate and Castle there, he barely gets through it.

It's the sad faces of his friends, the grieving of Javi's family, the bowed heads of their fellow officers, that keeps him there.

But it doesn't stop the overwhelming urge to stand up and leave, to overturn his chair and knock down the flags and the flowers, to scream and howl and beat his fists on the coffin, because he loved Javi, he loved him, and it’s not fair.

He sees tears in both Kate and Castle’s eyes, but his own are dry, like they have been since the day that Javi died.

When it’s over, he goes back to his apartment for the first time since Javi died. Castle went to get anything that Kevin would; Kevin couldn’t bear to be there.

Castle and Martha and Alexis have been more than great, looking after him and essentially keeping him alive for the past few weeks, but it’s still been hard. Even at Castle’s place, there are so many things that remind him of Javi.

The countless poker nights when Castle would consistently take their money with hardly any effort - like he really needed the winnings, anyway - and Kevin and Javi would have to pool what little money they came out with at the end of the night to pay for a cab. That night when Castle had them over for drinks, just the three of them, and they realized that they hadn’t expected to gain such a good friend in the writer. Castle’s New Year’s Eve party, when the fireworks went off and Javi kissed Kevin so hot and long that he didn’t even care that when they parted, everyone was whistling and clapping.

No; it’s time to go home - even if Kevin’s not sure he can really call it home without Javi there.

He unlocks the door and wants desperately to feel Javi right behind him, slipping off his coat, but there’s nobody there.

Kevin barely remembers to close the door behind him. He’s missed it here, but if the reminders of Javi at Castle’s place were almost too much, then it’s completely overwhelming here.

Walking into their sitting room, he remembers the day that Javi found out exactly where that red couch had come from, a day well before they ever even kissed, but even then, Kevin knew that he was hopelessly in love with his partner.

He sits down on the couch and cries.