jayeinacross | [Fic] (this flame used to burn so bright)

Title: (this flame used to burn so bright)
Progress: Complete.
Rating: PG-13
Pairing/s: Arthur/Merlin, onesided.
Warnings: Major character death, and quite a bit of angst.
Word count: 689.
Summary: "It got both easier and harder as time went on. Merlin had never imagined that loving Arthur would be easy, but he’d had no idea that it would be this painful."
Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, the BBC does. I just like ripping their lives apart, cause I'm evil.
A/N: Okay here's some lovely angst that I wrote on the side, in the midst of continuing A Train From Nowhere Brought Us Home and my entry for the arthurxmerlin community fanfic challenge #6 and doing schoolwork. Hope you enjoy, despite the lack of happiness literally anywhere in this fic.

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(this flame used to burn so bright)

It got both easier and harder as time went on. Merlin had never imagined that loving Arthur would be easy, but he’d had no idea that it would be this painful.

When Uther died, Arthur didn’t leave his room for a whole day, refusing to let anyone in at all. Merlin sat outside his door the whole time, food on a plate that grew cold next to him, but he still stayed, despite his own skimpy jacket and the chill of the air. When morning came, Arthur opened the door, glanced at Merlin once, and walked away.

It rains for a week, until the day of Arthur’s coronation, and Merlin is by Arthur’s side, like he’d always thought he’d be, but it’s still not right. It’s hollow. Morgana’s gone, and instead of standing behind her lady, Gwen’s standing in the crowd, at the front, and her and Arthur’s eyes keep meeting.

Merlin feels cold inside, like it’s raining inside, but he’s the only one getting soaked, chilled to the bone.

Two weeks after the coronation, it pours, the sound of the rain beating steadily against the buildings muting Arthur and Gwen’s wedding vows, and Merlin wishes he wasn’t standing right by Arthur’s side, because then maybe he wouldn’t have to hear the words that are going to keep he and Arthur apart.

In the end, it’s Merlin’s own carelessness that tears them apart, at least temporarily. He doesn’t even realize that Arthur’s walked in while he was drawing pictures of dragons in glowing lines in the air until he’s halfway down the corridor. Arthur keeps walking away, even when Merlin runs after him, begging him to listen, but Arthur doesn’t even turn to look at him.

It rains every day for the whole month that Arthur doesn’t say a word to Merlin.

Merlin’s mum used to press her hand against Merlin’s chest, and tell him that everyone has a soul, set deeper even than their heart, and that Merlin’s shines bright like the sun, like a flame in the dark, lighting everything up, but now he feels it growing dimmer and dimmer each day.

It flares hopefully the day that Arthur finally speaks to him, just a hand on his shoulder and a gruff message that Gwen wants to see him in her and Arthur’s chambers, but it dies down immediately, when Gwen tells him that she’s leaving with Lancelot.

His heart is already breaking for Arthur, and he’s angry at the betrayal. Gwen is Arthur’s wife, and Lancelot his friend. They were both Merlin’s friends too, and now they’ve left Merlin alone to pick up the pieces of Arthur that they left behind.

Arthur doesn’t speak much to anyone, these days. Merlin makes him eat and drink, but he still grows thinner than ever. They’re talking again – well, as much as Arthur talks, which is very little – but instead of the forgiveness, the absolution that Merlin had been dreaming of, it’s just purposeful ignorance, instead of acceptance. It makes Merlin feel so empty, and he tries to remember the days when he and Arthur were friends; best friends.

After that time, he doesn’t try and remember anymore, because the knowledge that it’s never going to be like that again burns cold in his heart. His destiny is with Arthur, and he is with Arthur, but he never thought he would feel so alone at Arthur’s side, so apart from him when all he wants is to be with him, in every way possible

But despite Merlin’s loneliness, it’s nothing compared to what he feels when he sees Arthur fall at Camlann. The victory accompanying Mordred’s own descent is hollow, because the price of his death was Arthur’s life.

Merlin mourns for his king’s death for days, and it rains the whole time. Camelot suddenly doesn’t seem as important as it was when they were fighting for her. She no longer has a king, and she means nothing to Merlin now that his friends have left him, and the king is dead; Arthur is dead.

On the seventh day of mourning, Merlin’s flame goes out, and the rain stops.